How to be a Fixie Clone

So you wanna ride a fixie? I found this photo online of a Portland fixie rider sporting almost every cliché. Here’s a little guide so you’ll know you’re doing it right.

  Portland Fixie Clone

Gears: One. Note back wheel. No derailleur, no freewheel. Nice and simple. It’s pretty. Looks sleek. Whatever the theoretical benefits of riding a fixed-gear bike may be, the real reason it’s popular is because of the way it looks.

Brakes: None. Again, it makes things pretty to get rid of all that clutter, but make sure you tell people it’s because you have no problem stopping with your powerful legs. You’re that good. You like the control. Brakes schmakes!

U-Lock: Back pocket. Kryptonite brand with the yellow or orange detail. Either will do just fine; so express your individuality here. The lock should be smallest one you can find, both for the fit and to let people know you don’t have quick release wheels. Real messengers don’t do quick release so they can lock up securely in seconds flat. Remember, you want to look like a real messenger; so don’t put that lock in your bag where it’s less likely to fall out. Show it off. Put it where everybody can see it.

Bag: Huge. For “deliveries,” or in your case the apron from you barback job and the PBR you’re taking to the party. Don’t install a rack or panniers, which would be totally practical for somebody who’s not a messenger (like you), but would also ruin the sleek lines of your bike. It used to be that Timbuk2 was the way to go, but they’re a big “lifestyle brand” now. Chrome is the new Timbuk2 — in so many ways — including how fast their cool is getting played out by general public awareness. You can still show your face with a Chrome for the time being, but better start saving your tip-out for the next hot bag. As for classic one strap across-the-sholder messenger style versus two strap backpack style, you can go either way. Again, express yourself. Just make sure it’s the right brand.

Helmet: I’m joking, right? Yeah, of course. Never wear a helmet. It would make you look stupid and mess up your (shaggy, greasy, unwashed) hair. Helmets are sensible, which is the very antithesis of fixie hotness.

Hat: Snug, long-brimmed, classic cycling hat like the pros on the Tour de France used to wear. Looks like a baseball cap, really, but it’s not, thank you very much, since it was bought at a bike shop. Extra points if it’s hand-sewn out of recycled materials by a local (straight male) craftsperson, like these.

Spoke Cards: This is a trend at its peak, most likely. See the cards stuck between the spokes of the back wheel? It’s a mysteriously popular affectation nation-wide and seems to have come out of nowhere. Yeah, all the kids back in Beaver Cleaver’s time used to put playing cards between their spokes. No doubt this fad harkens back to that golden age, reeking as it does of childhood nostalgia, which is rife among Portland hipsters. Since the cards are all different, it offers another one of those opportunities to express your individuality… in exactly the same way as your friends. My guess is that this little enthusiasm with soon implode in on itself, just like the all those pin-on buttons a couple of years ago. You can now buy spoke cards on Etsy (like this incredibly ironic one); so the end is nigh.

Key Chain: Now here’s a trend that’s just taking off. I’ve only seen it three times so far, but always on the right guys. Check out that springy band around the rider’s arm. It’s one of those coil key chains that you see on the wrists of salespeople at, like, Dress Barn for their cash registers. I can only assume it’s the key to his u-lock, though why he doesn’t carry that on his real key chain (which is clearly visible in the photo) I don’t know. That would make sense, wouldn’t it? But then, how would you let other insiders know that you’re one of them? Make sure you wear this over your clothes at the elbow, not — repeat, not — on the wrist, because that just looks stupid.

Now all that’s left to do is throw on a pair of mid-calf cut-off Dickies and a tight, ironic tee-shirt emblazoned with “West Springfield Middle School Wildcats,” and you’ll be all ready to pose in front of Stumptown. See you there, but I might not look at you if somebody with a Vanilla frame is talking to me. Hope you understand.

Bike Fetish

Despite my ridicule of and contempt for the whole fixie fad, I have to admit that I am indeed one of those lame-asses who idolizes bike messengers. Well, really, it’s that I think the guys are hot and by extension fetishize their style and paraphernalia. Gay or straight, male or female, that’s what it comes down to for just about everyone. You either want to be ‘em, or you want to fuck ‘em.

Or both.

 Scruffy bike hotties with their I’m-a-real-messenger gear

On the other hand, I actually do love riding my bike, and I actually do want to know and be around other people who ride. It’s a genuine enthusiasm, not a fashion choice, not an identity, and I expect that’s the case for the overwhelming majority of cyclists here in Portland.

However, you’d never know that from what’s on the web, where everyone assumes a “hard core” lifestyle pose or a radical political stance, and they all openly worship the messenger gods. Despite the frequent lip service paid to the bike “community” here in Portland, there’s an over abundance of we-are-the-shit self congratulation, but not a lot of inclusiveness based on common interests. Take, for example, bike polo.

 Portland bike polo: The usual crew in the usual spot

Sometimes you just know right away that something is for you, even before you try it. That’s how I feel about bike polo. And the one time I did try it, I had a lot of fun. (I was told that I “fall like a pro.”) Only problem is, there’s not an infinite pool of players in town, and I got the distinct feeling that if I wanted to keep showing up, that I would have to actually socialize with the guys who ran everything. I’d have to be part of their clique, drink their PBR, eat their post-match pizza.

Not that that’s torture, and not that they weren’t really nice guys, but c’mon, I’m a pretentious, opinionated, forty year-old faggot who doesn’t drink beer because of the carbs (and wouldn’t touch PBR even if I did). What am I going to have in common with these guys? A lot of them are half my age, and a lot of the rest of them act like it. Besides, when it gets right down to it, they’re all buddies who really just want to compete amongst themselves. Building the bike polo “community” is not actually such a high priority for them, and the kind of drop-in participation I want probably wouldn’t work out that well.

So where does that leave me? Well, I’ve got no choice but to make my own fun, and I do keep trying. I plan on finally making those ski poles in the basement into mallets, and slapping together a ride out of the old Specialized frame I’ve been saving for that very purpose. And I’ve got two big parking lots and a dead-end street right here next to me for practice. Now all I need are buddies of my own. So buddies, if you’re out there and you’ve got the cojones for hand-to-hand combat, please drop me a line.

Feed your fetish
The photos in this post both came from the same guy, Dabby, a Portland bike messenger of course, who has a blog and Flickr photo collection with untold scores of images. If you want to study (or merely oggle) bike messenger style, that’s the place to go.

Sex & Bikes

Porn, underpants, homoerotica, and bicycle parts are, far and away, the most commonly searched for items here at YMA. My stats page reads like a bike store catalog or fetish site (which, yes, is probably redundant). It’s also interesting to see that a lot of people check out the “Fixie Porn” post to get a look at the rides, rather than the boys.

 Bike messenger from… well, could be anywhere

Another common search is for “bike messenger style”. Odd that those people end up at my site, with all the other stuff out there. Not that long ago, I ran across a good article at PingMag about a designer who is inspired by bike messenger style in Finland. Finland! It’s everywhere else; Why come here? But they do.

Recently, an article at, you guessed it, the New York Times described the latest fashion trend sweeping the country: bike messenger style. Where did it come from and why did it happen so fast? the author asks, aparently unaware of the Kevin Bacon movie Quicksilver about a stockbroker who becomes a messenger in New York City. That movie was released in 1986. Eighty-six. Twenty years ago. I remember cutting out a photo essay about bike messenger style from a fashion magazine all the way back in the eighties. As a trend, it’s is nothing new.

The rather worshipful article begins by repeating the popular myth about messengers, that they have a culture all their own and that they are mavericks existing outside the normal laws of society. Basically, they are the new cowboys, or maybe it would be more accurate to describe them as the new cowboy archetype for young urban liberal creatives (the “real” cowboy myth being old, rural, conservative, and now latently homosexual). To his credit, the author does go on to point out that the men who do this job — and it is a job — are usually unskilled laborers who have few other marketable talents and are just trying to pay the bills with menial, low-wage employment.

Messenger “culture” amounts to dressing mostly alike (while calling it “individuality”) and hanging out together, just like any other group who have similar experiences and endure similar hardships. By that standard, the average Pizza Hut employee is a member of his own culture as well, it just isn’t as romantic or marketable.

 Portland bike scenesters, with Timbuk2 bag in evidence

And that’s the real gist of the article, which was printed in the Business section. Biker chic has become marketable on a large scale. Timbukt2, maker of those most popluar of all messenger bags, is now a huge company with new owners who are turning it into an “urban-lifestyle brand.” Already, fixie fashionistas are choosing other labels to distinguish themselves from the crowd, since that is the real goal, after all. Be different… in exactly the same way as the people you immitate. That’s what gets you laid.

It’ll be interesting to see how that plays out when fixed-gear bikes are on sale at Wal-Mart; they’re already being manufactured on a larger scale. Rememeber how mountain bikes used to be all the rage, then shocks, and then disk brakes? When the fixie fad fades, what’ll be next?

This whole fixed-gear thing obviously sticks in my craw. In the first place it’s a big fad with legions of mindless adherants. But whatever, so are iPods. Fads, while irritating, are mostly harmless. It just annoys me that fixed-gear bikes are really bad for your knees — really really bad — and all these cute young kids trying to look hip are going to be fat cripples who can’t exercise at all by the time they’re thirty-five. It’s just like smoking to look cool. Sure, it works, but…

On a more adorable note

I discovered The Sartorialist, the number one fashion blog on the web, according to itself. It’s this professional photographer who also does a blog where he snaps pics of stylish people on the street, mostly in New York. Old concept, but it still works. It’s a fun browse.

 Fashionable Parisian woman on a bike from The Sartorialist

One thing that I think is charming about it in particular is that he likes to take pictures of well-dressed people on bikes. It’s a preoccupation, if not an obsession. I’ve uploaded a bunch of them to my flickr page with the tag “fashionable people on bikes.”