Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

I do believe the title of this blog says it all: Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians.

Matthew McConaughey, Paul McCartney, Bruce Jenner, Jack White, Stephen King — you’d be surprised who makes the list and how much they deserve to be on it. All men (and for that matter, all old lesbians) should study this site and learn to recognize the warning signs. You may be okay with the fact that your testosterone level is now typical of the opposite gender, but do you really want to advertise it?

Exactitudes

Think you’re special?

Then maybe you should check out Exactitudes, a website about a book about a portrait series by two Dutch photographers who “provide an almost scientific, anthropological record of people’s attempts to distinguish themselves from others by assuming a group identity.” It’s compelling.

Even though they’re actually from Rotterdam, I found a lot of typical Portlanders — “Ecopunks,” “Dreads,” and “Emos.” Those looks are international, apparently.

I also found my father, my mother, and my sister. One type I couldn’t find, though, was my own. Seems like I really am incredibly unique. But honestly now, wasn’t that a foregone conclusion?

Kombucha Creature

One of my new housemates, Wilbur, is quite a character, and he has the kind of ethusiasm that only a 23 year-old could. Everything is turned up to eleven. For example, he loves wine; so not only did he learn everything he could about it, he also became a somellier. And he moved to Oregon with the hope of someday becoming a wine maker.

When he gets excited about something, he really gets excited. So when he decided that he wanted to make kombucha, a sour, slightly fermented, vinegary drink cultured in black tea, I knew it was going to happen. I’ve been wanting to brew some up for years, but it’s kind of gross; and that put me off. Wilbur, however, was determined that we should try. Like, now.

Not at all surprisingly for this Earthy fucking town, one of the first guys he met in Portland brews kombucha and offered to give him a “mother” — the “symbiotic colony of bacteria & yeast” –which looks and feels just like a spongy pile of discolored sandwich meat. It’s kind of gross. Even people who love the drink refer to the “mother” not-so-lovingly as the “slug,” “snot,” and the “kombucha creature.”

 Big jar of black tea with the kombucha creature growing inside

So this past Sunday, Will & I brewed and sweetened some tea, thawed the large disk of frozen “mother,” and put it all in a big jar with a cloth over the top. Now all we can do is wait. It’ll take a couple of weeks to get going, but Will still visits the jar in the pantry, looking hopefully for changes. It’s as though he expects one day to find it has given birth to a litter of puppies. His enthusiasm is infectious though; he’s gotten me doing the very same thing.

I’m not exactly sure why I’m excited. Kombucha is basically spoiled tea with a giant glob of snot floating around in it. Nothing about it sounds appealing, yet people really love the stuff. It’s “good for you,” but no one seems to know how or why. Still, like cycling and infrequent bathing, it’s just what you do in Portland. So here I am, giving it a shot.

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Check out these basic kombucha making directions at Instructables.

And there are more elaborate instructions here.

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Happy Monday — Buddies

Every Monday I post photos of guys smiling. Last week, while posting lots of extras, I noticed that I had a bunch of pictures of buddies together. And I also noticed that not only do they frequently dress alike, but that they often resemble each other quite a bit too. It’s natural, maybe, but also a little creepy.
 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 
Dating …um, I mean befriending someone who looks like you, well, that seems like a subconscious behavior — an animal instinct. That means it’s almost fated. Determined at birth, if you will. And while sometimes a little sickening because of the obvious narcisism, it’s also kind of sad because of how clearly it demonstrates our lack of control over our own lives. Biology, as they say, is destiny; it can even choose your friends.
 
 

 
 

 
 

On the other hand, emulating or dressing like your buddy (puting on the same color tee-shirt, for example) is clearly intentional, and as such it carries with it the faint air of a possible man crush. Maybe one of the guys even has secret thoughts that no one else knows about, if you know what I mean. So sometimes when I see two best friends together, I feel like I’m privy to a little too much information. I want to tell them quietly, “Guys, I know you’re in love, but…”

Cheeseball Recipe

Grow a mustache.

One of the de rigeur elements of the beard removal process is to shave your facial hair into styles that you’d normally never wear, just to see how it would look. I happen to have a naturally bushy Walrus ’stache. Very 70’s, huh? And was that not the cheesiest decade in all of human history?

This post could also be titled “A Surefire Cure for the Blues” or perhaps “Natural Prozac.” Just try not to laugh while posing with a giant fucking Pancho Villa mustache on your lip.

I think this would lend itself well to a themed party — a Valentine’s Mustache Party maybe? A Spring Break Mustache Party? A Fuck a Statutory Rapist Party? The jokes would be endless. The sex would be… hmmm.

How to Lose Ten Pounds and Feel Ten Years Younger in Ten Minutes Without Dieting or Exercise

Shave.

However, I think these days there’s less of a difference than there used to be. Plus, I kind of like the beard look better now; it makes me feel like a Civil War General.