Expert Contrarian

On Sunday, I was yet again taped for a film by my friend Andy. This time, I had absolutely no connection to the subject, which is about Andy’s relationship with a much older man when he was just fifteen. I was asked to participate because, no kidding, I’m so contrary. My job was to add an element of highly sceptical argument to balance everyone else’s sympathy and moral indignation. When he asked, I was like, “Hey, no problem.”

I was expecting maybe a camera person to show up with Andy, but when I walked out of the house, there was a crew of six big guys bustling to unload piles of gear from the truck. A couple of them had been to my place before and lit the attic for “my” film; so they confidently surged into the house to find a good spot to set up. I sat outside in the sun chatting with Travis, while my roommate, who had been in the shower, was stepping naked into a hallway filled with strange men… and not in a good way.

Ultimately, the inside was deemed too boring to shoot. (Excuuuse me?) So we ended up on the front porch. Furniture was completely rearranged, and elaborate lighting was set up to achieve that natural look.

 Jon & Morgan set up. Travis & Andy get lit. Note dirt shadow from the sofa.

 Travis, my double, gets lit from various angles

Morgan, the sound guy, had a nice long boom, but he also needed to wire me with a hidden microphone. Very meekly he asked — and these were his first words to me, mind you — if I could put on an undershirt. He was hemming and hawing around the subject and couldn’t quite get out what he wanted from me and why. Andy stepped in and said, “It’s a chest hair issue. He doesn’t want to say it.” I needed another shirt to keep my hair from rustling against the mic. “You should have seen him with Dan Savage,” he added, referring to their previous interview. “You were so cute Morgan.”

Andy, who is never a help in such matters, gave me no particular instructions beforehand, but quickly took issue with my “wardrobe.” Could I also put on a shirt with a collar that wasn’t plaid? The little lines are a problem for the video camera. This was perhaps my greatest challenge of the day. Seriously. But I finally ended up in a black polo. Out of dozens of shirts in my closet, that was my one and only choice, which caused me to reflect thoughtfully on my sartorial choices.

Back downstairs, Morgan stood about one inch from my face and reached up between my shirts very, very carefully to tape the mic. He mumbled sheepishly about what was going on all throughout. I could smell his soap he was so close, and he struggled uncomfortably to make absolutely no physical contact whatsoever. That was especially difficult when he had to get behind me and then reach around my waist to latch a belt for the equipment, but he did indeed manage to avoid my skin entirely. When it later came time to take the belt off, I didn’t make him go through that ordeal, but I was tempted, both for his soap and the entertainment.

 Morgan wiring Andy’s back-up microphone

At this point, I know the routine. I am pretty comfortable in front of the camera, instinctively pausing whenever there is background noise and making concise, easy-to-edit, clearly spoken sound bites. So when everything was ready, we got right to work, and the whole discussion was over in about half an hour. Other than a distant leaf blower, there were no real problems, and the crew swiftly packed up and ran off for their third interview of the day.

 My view of the film crew just before we got started. Clint, Jon, Russ & Morgan.

 Morgan holds out his long boom

Andy tells me that this is just a preview and it’ll have to be done in a week, which is great. Won’t have to wait very long to see myself. I’m hoping that I will appear only briefly, my words trimmed down to the bare essence of their of pithy wisdom. I’d also like to look about ten pounds lighter. Is that really so much to ask?