How to be a Fixie Clone
8 July 2007
So you wanna ride a fixie? I found this photo online of a Portland fixie rider sporting almost every cliché. Here’s a little guide so you’ll know you’re doing it right.
Portland Fixie Clone
Gears: One. Note back wheel. No derailleur, no freewheel. Nice and simple. It’s pretty. Looks sleek. Whatever the theoretical benefits of riding a fixed-gear bike may be, the real reason it’s popular is because of the way it looks.
Brakes: None. Again, it makes things pretty to get rid of all that clutter, but make sure you tell people it’s because you have no problem stopping with your powerful legs. You’re that good. You like the control. Brakes schmakes!
U-Lock: Back pocket. Kryptonite brand with the yellow or orange detail. Either will do just fine; so express your individuality here. The lock should be smallest one you can find, both for the fit and to let people know you don’t have quick release wheels. Real messengers don’t do quick release so they can lock up securely in seconds flat. Remember, you want to look like a real messenger; so don’t put that lock in your bag where it’s less likely to fall out. Show it off. Put it where everybody can see it.
Bag: Huge. For “deliveries,” or in your case the apron from you barback job and the PBR you’re taking to the party. Don’t install a rack or panniers, which would be totally practical for somebody who’s not a messenger (like you), but would also ruin the sleek lines of your bike. It used to be that Timbuk2 was the way to go, but they’re a big “lifestyle brand” now. Chrome is the new Timbuk2 — in so many ways — including how fast their cool is getting played out by general public awareness. You can still show your face with a Chrome for the time being, but better start saving your tip-out for the next hot bag. As for classic one strap across-the-sholder messenger style versus two strap backpack style, you can go either way. Again, express yourself. Just make sure it’s the right brand.
Helmet: I’m joking, right? Yeah, of course. Never wear a helmet. It would make you look stupid and mess up your (shaggy, greasy, unwashed) hair. Helmets are sensible, which is the very antithesis of fixie hotness.
Hat: Snug, long-brimmed, classic cycling hat like the pros on the Tour de France used to wear. Looks like a baseball cap, really, but it’s not, thank you very much, since it was bought at a bike shop. Extra points if it’s hand-sewn out of recycled materials by a local (straight male) craftsperson, like these.
Spoke Cards: This is a trend at its peak, most likely. See the cards stuck between the spokes of the back wheel? It’s a mysteriously popular affectation nation-wide and seems to have come out of nowhere. Yeah, all the kids back in Beaver Cleaver’s time used to put playing cards between their spokes. No doubt this fad harkens back to that golden age, reeking as it does of childhood nostalgia, which is rife among Portland hipsters. Since the cards are all different, it offers another one of those opportunities to express your individuality… in exactly the same way as your friends. My guess is that this little enthusiasm with soon implode in on itself, just like the all those pin-on buttons a couple of years ago. You can now buy spoke cards on Etsy (like this incredibly ironic one); so the end is nigh.
Key Chain: Now here’s a trend that’s just taking off. I’ve only seen it three times so far, but always on the right guys. Check out that springy band around the rider’s arm. It’s one of those coil key chains that you see on the wrists of salespeople at, like, Dress Barn for their cash registers. I can only assume it’s the key to his u-lock, though why he doesn’t carry that on his real key chain (which is clearly visible in the photo) I don’t know. That would make sense, wouldn’t it? But then, how would you let other insiders know that you’re one of them? Make sure you wear this over your clothes at the elbow, not — repeat, not — on the wrist, because that just looks stupid.
Now all that’s left to do is throw on a pair of mid-calf cut-off Dickies and a tight, ironic tee-shirt emblazoned with “West Springfield Middle School Wildcats,” and you’ll be all ready to pose in front of Stumptown. See you there, but I might not look at you if somebody with a Vanilla frame is talking to me. Hope you understand.
In case you need more tips:
http://www.hipsterpad.com/articleFixed-gear.php
This has just hit Sydney Australia! (Yes we are still behind)
I have been trying to explain this phenomenon and the exact steps necessary to achieve street warrior glory:)
We are up to the Kryptonite locks here but have yet to get the key chains. Thank God for your blog!
Helmets….unfortunately its law here so more rebellious if you avoid them but skateboard helmets are the only acceptable alternative!
Thanks for the comment, but you realize that I’m satirizing fixie riders, right?
Sorry, as a fixed gear rider. I do find this article to be a little off.
Whilst I applaud the observation skills shown in this article, I think simply pointing out Stereotypes that you deem ‘Negative’ or derisory, does not create a satirical article.
As a fixed gear rider I too conform to a couple of these attributes. But on the other hand I ride with brakes, with my D-Lock in a bag, with a helmet, my bike lock is an ABUS lock, I dont have spokecards anywhere about my person, my hair remains washed, I dont wear a key chain and I am not an unsafe rider.
Just to reiterate I ride fixed gear and am not a clone. And suprisingly there are many like me, who ride for the combination efficiency and pleasure that a fixed gear or even SS bike brings.
Anyway good article, shame it took me over two years to ever find it.
Cards in the spokes date back to alley-cat races… that’s how you were numbered, messengers saved them over the years.
There is more to riding a fixie than looking cool… skid stops are fun and doing freestyle balance stuff is tits.
But I’m no messenger, I just like all kinds of bikes.
great post! I love it. If you’re on facebook please join my group “f*ck your Fixie”. We could really use your expertise!
This is the absolute dumbest and most jaded things I have ever read in my life. To generalize someone is a sign of being misinformed and unintelligent. To say the only reason one would get into riding a fixed gear bike is because of its looks is completely incorrect. The number one reason for riding said bike is for the freedom and pure enjoyment it allows. Fixed gear bikes and great for metropolitan areas due to their small size and taking care of one is easy and affordable. I ride a fixed gear bike and I am completely insulted by this whole thing. Whether it be bikes or cars or building model airplanes, if you get into something and actually like it of course your going to want to customize you bike, car, etc, whether it be paint jobs, or bike cards or whatever else. I don’t know where your confusion and your hate comes from but I do not see the point in slagging on someone because they choose to do something you do not partake in or enjoy to do yourself. Let people like what they like and just like the fact that they are riding a bike, being healthy, doing the planet a favor and just having fun. People wear clothes, some wear different clothes than other people, is it really worth talking about? I didn’t think so. Have a good one whoever who this letter and hopefully your able to have some fun in your own life without bringing other people down or calling other people out. Peace.
Oh and one more thing, once you learn how to skid and actually get good at it, It’s a helluva lot of fun. Try it out sometime.
1. “The number one reason for riding said bike is for the freedom and pure enjoyment it allows.”
Bullshit. All of the same could be said for riding a bike with gears. Why a fixie then? Because it’s was cool.
2. “Fixed gear bikes and great for metropolitan areas due to their small size and taking care of one is easy and affordable.”
Again, ditto regular bikes. They’re the same size.
3. “I ride a fixed gear bike and I am completely insulted by this whole thing.”
Hit a little too close to home maybe? All of the positives you can come up with are true of all bikes. If you chose to ride a fixie n particular, it was for some other reason that you haven’t mentioned… like you wanted to look cool maybe?
4. “once you learn how to skid and actually get good at it, It’s a helluva lot of fun”
It’s also possible to skid just as well on an a regular bike using the rear brake.
Fads can be plenty fun and harmless, but I dislike the whole fixie bullshit because I actually love bikes and riding bikes. I think the fixe fad is negative because 1) the poseurs turn so many people off to riding; 2) not having gears is damaging to the overwhelming majority of people’s knees — permanantly so; and 3) because esentially everyone who picks up on the fixed gear fad is new to it, it is more dangerous for them because of the inability to brake effectively and the inability to stop pedaling at critical times (like when going down a steep hill or riding next to a curb).
Basically, fixies annoy me because I think that overall they hurt cycling as a whole and individual cyclists. And for what? So a bunch of poseurs can try to look cool.
Hey John, what’s with all the hate?
You claim to love bikes so much yet you hate on a certain kind of bike just because certain people, dress a certain way and for some reason your insulted by this?
Yes, I was insulted by this, I will agree and it does hit close to home but not because of anything to do with clothes or trends. I truly do enjoy riding a fixed gear bike like many, many people do. I have never once, ever talked down or thought less of someone because of the bike they ride or the clothes they wear. Your painting the kettle black here John because you are in fact are the one do that exact thing. Do you forget that gear bikes have been around since, oh around 1900? I wouldn’t exactly call that a trend now. People have been riding them again, true and it has become more popular. So what? At one point owning a Rocky Mountain trail bike was all the rage but does it make alot of sense to ride a big mountain bike with full suspension around the city? no I didn’t think so but hey if you want to then so be it and I hope you have a good time.
Now John, you have a lot of hate flowing though you, it seems like maybe, just maybe you’ve had some past experience with a shitty dude or two that happens to ride fixed gear. Not all people are the same and if you disagree then your wrong and you know it. Maybe some dude crashed into you and now you got a hate on for fixed gears. If thats the case, sorry to hear that. Like I said before, some people can ride their bikes and some people can. I can assure you I myself can assure you I have never crashed into someone, cut someone off or anything else along these lines to annoy or harm other people biknig. As a matter of fact, I find alot of the times it’s older dudes with these super expensive touring bikes that get passed by me and then all of a sudden they think its a race and end up being the ones riding like a douche bag.
Now about the whole skidding thing, John there is no way in hell that you can lock your back brake and skid anywhere as long as a fied gear bike, no way in hell and if you disagree, again your wrong. Watch some clips on youtube or something or you know what John, you love riding your bike so much, why don’t you come ride with me? I’m giving you an open invitation to come for a bike ride and we will see who has more fun on their bike.
Now about the knee damage thing. Riding any bike for an extended period of time will do damage on your joint without proper stretching before and after riding and also working out those joints and muscles in other ways than just riding. That was a dumb thing to say altogether. I ride my bike for about 4 hours a weekday and about 12-15 hours on the weekend and I never, ever have knee problems. In fact my knees have gotten better since I started skateboarding less and riding my bike more. I still skate and again, my knees feel great these days and Im 27.
Lastly, John like I said before, you seem like a pretty negative guy. It seems a little misguided. Generalizing people is in fact a sign of low intellect and it’s something nobody to needs to hear or be around. You sound like you need to have more fun in your life and let go of your hang ups and just start letting people be people. Be stoked that kids are getting into bikes even though its not the same bike you choose to ride. Maybe when these kids get older, and put on some weight, and have kids and worry about getting a little scuffed up they will get a regular road bike like you love some much, maybe you fall into this category? who knows?
Or maybe you should try riding a fixed gear John, maybe you might have a really good time, or maybe you have tried riding a fixed gear and you just can’t do it.. Well John, which one are you?
Dude, lighten up and just go ride your bike or if your gonna come on the internet to slag people for riding bikes then you truly are a douche bag.
Peace.
John this is stupid & ignorant. Obviously you know nothing about track bikes. Take this down.
Do you often demand that people remove things that you don’t like from the internet? Of course, you’re right, he should remove this blog post just because you don’t like it.
If you notice, the guy in the picture, like 99.99% of fixie riders out there, is NOT riding the bike on a track. He’s on the street. We’re not really talking about track bikes here, we’re talking about fixed gear bikes ridden on the street for the sake of looking cool.
I think this post is hilarious, garrettmoen you need to lighten up. Fixie riders are the nicest people ever, except you. You’re (see below) the reason people don’t like fixie riders, the elitist attitude. No one should take biking that seriously. Everything about a fixie is so superficial anyways, except for the no brakes thing; that’s just irresponsible.
also:
“…for some reason *your* insulted by this”
“…*Your* painting the kettle black here ”
“…if you disagree then *your* wrong and you know it”
your = possessive form of you
you’re = conjunction of ‘you’ and ‘are’
learn to spell and please don’t procreate.
Hater.
Really- who the hell cares. At least fixie riders are out getting in shape. Why the hate? Yes some people buy objects or do certain things for fashion with fixed gear bikes- but who the hell dosen’t? Get over it. Chrome bags are extremely comfortable btw.
And fixie riders ’round my parts are a bunch of cool guys who like riding bikes as any other. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
And what is up with you saying the whole reason to buy a fixie is to look cool? Get a life douche. Fixed gear bikes are very fun to ride- and also create good pedal techniques. They were the first bikes created and there’s a reason they’re still around; I doubt it’s because they’re “cool.”
This is a great post and definitely covers most of the issues with fixie riders. The issues I see is that:
0.5) fixie riders like to have things simple because a bike that you can’t strip down and rebuild after 8 beers isn’t a bike worth riding. I think this is a very valid point. Not the beer thing, but the fact that if you rely on your bike to get you around, it’s helpful to have it simple. and if you rely on your own skills or those of friends, it’s better to not have complicated things like a derailleur or brake lines to mess with. Just think about an untrained mechanic trying to repair a set of integrated shifters with a bottle opener and a bike tool. gearless bikes are just so much easier (and cheaper) to build and keep running.
1) People can ride whatever they want and look however they want. It’s not a car, so I don’t have to ride in their ride. They are biking and that’s cool enough. Even if their brains get splattered all over the van that pulls out in front of them.
2) No one want’s to be a hipster. Even that dude in the photo wouldn’t call himself a hipster probably. So there is going to be a lot of defensiveness when something like this is posted because it’s going to nail a lot of people’s habits and tag them with the “hipster” identity. hipsters HATE that.
3) There is a big difference between riding fixed and riding gears. I liken it to the difference between skis and boards. It’s just a better way to ride (if you don’t have hills or a need to go fast). Skidding is fun, just like skidding out on my BMX bike when I was 6 was fun.
4) It’s not just an image thing, but it is an image thing. you forgot to mention that you can never peg your pants, strap them, or sock them. You MUST either wear shorts or roll your pants up, no matter how fracking cold it is. Which means, you must wear cool socks.
4.1) The whole messenger thing isn’t about having the only job that keeps you on a bike all day, it’s also about having a lifestyle that involves lots of danger, lots of alcohol and no health insurance. It’s an image that stands for much more than biking alone. It stands for freedom from social constraints and norms and ideas pushed forward by a “safety at all costs” culture that locks up people who MIGHT so something wrong and requires vaccines for babies, seatbelts on planes, censors on TV, and safety warnings everywhere else. It’s an image that says fuck it, I’m going to maybe kill myself but I’m not going to live scared. That’s not the problem. That I can get behind. My ire is in the people that may or may not be that guy in the photo. It’s with the people that HAVE health insurance, HAVE tuition money, HAVE good jobs, and DON’T take risks but just want to piggy back on the hipster look. Like with Goth, when you can buy it in the Mall, your little alternative culture is over. With bags (like Reload which is much hipper than TimBuk2) bikes, hats, and spoke cards (btw if you cant make your own bike card… WTF) for sale all over the place, it’s hard to figure out who’s the Cool and who’s the Tool.
3.1) yep were going backwards. I ride fixed. about 40% is for image. I ride with a helmet, lights, 2 brakes, health insurance, and a backpack. I love track stands because you don’t have to get off your pedals ever (and no you can’t do that on geared bikes). I like skidding but use my brakes most of the time because of the knees (it will mess you up good). And I love the feeling of constantly knowing how much energy I have created. It’s really something to feel the inertia you generated push your legs around, to kick your legs into neutral and just let them be moved by the energy you stored in the bike/you unit. It’s like riding a motorcycle instead of driving a car. It eliminates one more separation between you and your movement.
Sure fixie riders can be douche bags, but so can geared riders and NONE of us are nearly as fucking rude as car drivers. I think we can all agree on that. And, again, going back to the “not living scared” idea, I appreciate real core fixie riders retaliating against shitty drivers. Sure it creates some hatred for all cyclists, but I really appreciate it when someone get’s their mirror ripped off because they can’t bother to check bike lanes when pulling out or try to squeeze past a cyclists at an intersection.
I think the real point of the article is well taken: don’t follow trends just because you are afraid that you won’t be as accepted into whatever social group you want to be a part of. Do what makes sense. Brakes make sense. a helmet makes sense. a lock in your bag… no wait, the lock in your pocket makes sense. just like the key on your arm makes sense too if you stop every 4 minutes.
hey. ride a bike.
[...] 11, 2009 Filed under: Uncategorized — thehumble1 @ 6:39 pm Originally a comment on another site, but I thought I’d put it here for my own [...]
You forgot to mention his top bar pad.
When I wrote this, the top bar pads were not yet so popular. Now they are SO popular, they’re about to go out of style.
[...] The subway was a lot less crowded, and as I pulled up to Western and Wilshire, there were some fixtards practicing their tricks. None of them were wearing helmets or lights, so I looked like a supernerd [...]
Why do so many people think that you must hate something to want to satirise it?
If any of the whining little pussies who got offended by this post really rode just because they love riding a bike, then they wouldn’t give a shit about what someone on the internet thinks of them and their fashion bikes.