I’m thinking penis

I remember seeing this commercial. A coach calls a teenage guy over to ask why he’s so distracted on the playing field. Is there something on his mind? The kid pulls off an article of clothing and up springs a big, fat, swaying erection. The coach shakes his head, embarrassed for the hormonal, sex-addled teen.

Poor kid. Everybody knows that all a guy that age can think about is… Arby’s. That’s what the commercial was for, part of the “I’m thinking Arby’s” ad campaign. And the bobbing dong? It was the company’s phallic hat logo, now animated with shwing.

Here’s a still from another commercial in the campaign in which three construction workers ignore the hot women passing by, but spring boners for a middle-aged guy with an Arby’s sandwich.

Now honestly, tell me that those red things on their heads are not supposed to be erections. (And is it me? … or is the black guy’s hat just a little bigger than the others? Hmm.)

What’s amazing to me about these particular ads is the intentional and overt association of the Arby’s logo with an erection, with sexual excitement. Phallic symbols are everywhere in advertising, but to be so frank about it, to admit that your corporate logo looks like a fat red cock and to use it, now that’s impressive.

Whenever I Come Home

Boring picture, I admit, but the subject is something I always notice. This is the bike parking at one door of the Portland airport (“PDX”). Everytime I fly, I pass this particular bike rack, and I’m reminded once again why I love where I live. People even ride their bikes to the airport.

If you think that’s just me, then I’d like to point out that somebody else took this photo. I discovered it online. Obviously other people feel the same way that I do. Just like me, they walk out of the airport to catch the train and, seeing the bikes, think how glad they are to be back in this special place.

Anal

Found this photo of some gay guy’s compulsively organized refrigerator. I do so love order, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to know this person.

Is it weirder that the guy 1) did this in the first place, 2) took a picture, and then 3) posted it online or that I 1) connected with the photo emotionally, 2) saved it and then 3) reposted it here?

Matthew Barney

Would artist Matthew Barney be nearly as famous if he were less good-looking? There are lots of great artists out there; how was it that Barney’s name became so well known? Merit aside, isn’t his notariety due mainly to his looks?

In more or less every bio of him on the web, two seemingly irrelevant details are mentioned. First, he played football in high school (so he’s athletic — an all-American he-man). And second, he was a model (so he’s considered attractive by most people). Always, those two facts are mentioned, but what bearing do they have on his art? More importantly, what bearing do they have on our experience of his art?

Even if there is some other completely rational explanation, I think the truth is that the writers are trying to advise readers that they will get pleasure from Matthew Barney’s appearance, and that’s the real reason to check him out. They are also tacitly acknowledging what we all know but rarely mention: physical attractiveness adds value to both the person who posesses it and to everything he produces.

I’m not suggesting that Barney is untalented. I wouldn’t know since I’ve never seen any of his work. Yet I do know who he is and what he does — and that he’s good-looking. Probably I know all that because he’s good-looking. And that’s the point.

So…
So people appreciate good looks. So attractiveness is a leg up. Not exactly a news flash. It’s just that I’m getting worn out from all of our culture’s bi-polar attitudes about beauty and the quest to become more beautiful.

On the one hand, we (almost literally) worship people who are hot; on the other hand, we tell everyone that what really matters is on the inside. Most of us want to be more attractive and often try hard to change, but then we accuse people who place a priority on improving their own looks as being superficial, or self-hating, or psychologically troubled. Quite illogically, we credit a person’s character for simply being beautiful, but criticize it for wanting or trying to be beautiful. Even more troubling is the tendency to undermine the efforts of others to improve their looks, but then to admire those who ultimately succeed and ridicule those who fail.

The truth is that very few of us were blessed by the DNA gods, and almost all of us want to get some of the benefits enjoyed by those fortunate souls who were. Intuitively, however, we undertand that there are only so many goodies to go around — more for me means less for you and vice versa. We also know that social status is relative, and as one person’s star rises, another’s declines by comparison. Thus the conflicted attitude: people can worship beauty only as long as they are not competing with it. However they want to be more beautiful specifically to be more competetive and resent the attempts of others to become more attractive because it poses a threat.

Well…
Well, I’m tired of all that bullshit. I’m all for anyone losing weight, getting plastic surgery, coloring or waxing hair — whatever. I mean after all, I’ve got to look at them. I’m also all for me doing those things, even though in the eyes of a lot of people it makes me just another desperate, self-loathing, superficial faggot.

But, come on, I don’t even own a comb. My shampoo came from a “free box” on the sidewalk. I bought my shaving cream over a year ago and still havn’t run out. In short, I don’t primp; I’m not vain. However, I am well aware of my appearance and how it affects the way I’m treated. And one thing I know from long experience, neither my face nor my ass opens any doors for me.

That’s what it comes down to: opportunities. I want to get my foot in the door because I’m good-looking at those times when I wouldn’t have been able to any other way. I want to get hired just because I’m more attractive than the other equally qualified candidates. I don’t need the validation of being desired; what I want are the social and professional benefits. When I moan and complain about my looks or pine for extensive liposuction, it’s not an expression of self-hatred, but of my frustrated ambition.

Matthew Barney probably has some talent, right? But we all know his looks didn’t exactly hurt his career. In fact, they probably made his rise faster and higher, and he almost certainly eclipsed other artists solely because they were not as nice to look at. Yeah, maybe he’s got some talent, but he’s also got what we really love.

And I want what he’s got.

Attic

My little desk is tucked into a corner up in the attic, into the slant of the ceiling, which slopes down so low that sometimes when I stand up, I bang my head. As I type right now, a gentle spring rain is falling on the roof just overhead, and a quiet crackling sound fills the room.

Some days I wake up that way, gradually aware of the steady raindrops above my bed. I like to lie there a little longer, hands behind my head, just listening. One of life’s perfect moments.

Happy Monday

Every Monday I post photos of guys smiling.

See all of the previous Happy Monday photos at my dedicated Flickr account.